Figuring out What Went So Wrong! (venting )
|Then and Now|
A lot of people have asked me, “So what went wrong?” or “Where did I lose my way?” I’ve never really answered it because it’s been something that I don’t like to talk about. But Today while doing a 2 mile warm up I broke down at 1.5 and was like I really need to get this out.
I was never big but I was never skinny I was always built and was very athletic all the way through college. But somewhere between college and my AH HAA moment there was a lot going on in my life.
A lot of people don’t realize that I was bullied by a lot of people in a scene that was suppose to except everyone no mater their make up or who they were. This so called scene was not as open as I thought. I remember one night I had given to guys a ride home from I believe it was VA Beach or Richmond because their ride had bailed on them. Me being a nice person thought nothing of it. So I drive these two home and drop them off by the time I get home it’s 2am or something like that and I go straight to bed. The next day I am woken up by one of the guys Screaming at me on the phone that I had told everyone some sorta something that supposedly went “down” between us 3.. They threatened me and called me every horrible name in the book. I hadn’t even talked to anyone that day, I hadn’t even gotten on my swift AOL 2.0. I had just woken up to my phone ringing. I tried to fight back but I just ended up hanging up my phone and found myself in a corner of my room clutching a pillow trying to figure out Why anyone would do this to me. From that day on for almost 6 months my phone would ring at strange hours of the night with threats, harassment, judgement, and pure evil. I remember my best friend would be staying over my house and her boyfriend at the time would come over and my phone would ring and he would be like, “who the hell keeps calling you like this!” it got to the point where he picked up the phone and threatened them on the other line because he saw the hurt I had in my eyes.. I finally broke down and told them what had happened. Then really thinking about it even more, how did this all happened why was there so much hate towards me and then I remembered at one point there was a guy that we all hung out with.. I guess he liked me and I didn’t see him that way.. I told him that I just wanted to be friends and that is all I wanted it to be and he got upset. So upset he started a path of destruction of me. He would tell all his “cool” friends not to like me and tell them I lead him on.. I never did.. I never even made a move on this guy… He just wasn’t my type just like the guys I gave a ride home too were not my type and I’d never in a million years have any interest in them. But they were all successful in breaking down my tough exterior and I started to turn to food and not caring anymore. I still went to shows and didn’t care if they tried to fight me.. I remember once This girl Tried to intimidate me and all I could do was laugh and then I got a phone call while this was going all down by a friend who was well known heard all of this going down and he was not thrilled…. A couple of days later, everything settled and the phone calls stopped. So thank you to my friend who stood up and said something. I don’t regret any of this because it made me stronger and who I am today and the fact that 10 – 12 yrs later I get told that those same people still talk Sh*t just cracks me up!
Then in the middle of college my parents dropped a bomb that they were separating! Yea.. after 23+ years they were calling it quits… AHHHHH I mean I totally understood it all but I wasn’t prepared for that news. But I dealt with it because at that point and time I understood relationships and understood things happen but in the mist of the divorce I moved out to California with my best friend. Now at first moving out west was thought to be one of the best things I could of done but deep down inside I was dealing with a lot of personal issues. I questioned who I was, where I was going, why I was even there. I showed that I was happy on the outside but in the inside I was very closed off. If I wasn’t working I was in my bedroom and if I wasn’t in my bedroom I’d go to Pacific Beach and Sunset Cliffs and just hang out by myself. When I was working out there at first I was really really quiet and came into my store like a bulldozer. I had one of the most amazing men to work with and one pretty princess in my department. God Forbid she broke a nail! Then I was graced with a girl that was amazing and showed me to be proud of who I was and what assist I had.. She taught me to let loose and just have fun.. and that’s what I did.. I stopped hanging out with the normal people that I hung out with.. I started hanging and doing things that I normally wouldn’t have done. And my roommate and best friend was heading down her own path of self discovery. I remember there was one girl out there in California who I honestly couldn’t stand. She was the type that If people didn’t pay attention to her she’d throw a fit and then try to talk sh*t! I remember while living out there, there was a bunch of East Coast bands that found out that my BF and I lived out there and they wanted to stay with us. But when this chick found out..MAN the nails and flames would come back out. I laugh at it now. When I left California it wasn’t on the best of terms with my BF or myself. We had a huge falling out! I had left her in probably the worst of times for her.. but I needed her to find herself and I myself had hit rock bottom and I had had it.
At that time I had lost a lot of weight once I moved out there.. because I wasn’t eating. I was more worried about going out and doing things rather than my own personal wellbeing. It happens. So I moved back in with my father. But my father was not at the house he was working overseas in Switzerland. Being home by myself left me more and more depressed. So I turned to food again. What was even more depressing was hearing all the negative crap from my family on how they felt about my mother leaving and how ignorant sounding they were because they had no clue as to what had happened and why my mother did what she did. Then I was told how certain members felt about me in my family. It officially broke me down. It cut so deep that I honestly still haven’t recovered from it and I don’t think I ever will. See in my family, they tell you everything and can’t keep a secret to themselves. So I always find out everything… and BOY if I bite my lip anymore I wont have one… But thats okay. I am better than you because I am better than your hurtful words. I am better because your hurtful words fuel me. So keep talking.. It’ll get back to me and thats when I continue to further myself from you all.
And then I met my husband, Fell in Love, Ate like him, and found that I had gained 4 times the weight back that I had taken off! EEK! Damn relationships! lol
So with all that said, I know I am a bit Brightly Spirited and I speak my mind! I don’t have a filter because I believe filters are full of lies. I don’t like fake people and I find that a good amount of people in my life are. I will not go out of my way for anyone that doesn’t go out of the way for me. I’ve done that WAY to much and get walked all over on… So I’m done!