A Tale of an Emotional Runner.
They say when it rains in pours in ones life and the last two weeks has really been a test of my strength. I have had a lot of bad news come my way in recent weeks that really stressed me out. The worst news was finding out that yet another member of my family has been diagnosed with Terminal Cancer. This time, the cancer is in the spine, liver, and lungs. Totally inoperable, she was given 6 months. How do you just put a timeline on someone? I can’t get passed that notion of a time stamp. I do a lot of reading while at work and research and it’s funny that I have read a ton of stories where people were diagnosed with cancer and they refused all medication and treatment and would go back to the doctors for a check up and the cancer is gone. So is the medicine the killer? Things I often ask myself as I am running…Well that, and what can I do! That brings me to my running..
I started running because I found the Power and Strength in my Grandmother when she went through cancer treatments and when she finally looked at a doctor and said if the treatment is going to be as bad or worse than when I had breast cancer then I don’t want to do it, I’ve lived my life and I have a beautiful family to show for it. Shortly after that I found myself in a depression that no one really new about. I’m pretty good about hiding stuff like that because I eventually get over it and move on. That day that I finally started to get out of that dark hole I looked at myself in the mirror and saw what I had become an almost 300 lbs woman. My friend looked at me and straight up with no hesitation, ‘I don’t wanna bury my Fucking Best Friend! Fucking do something about it!” she’s not one to curve her thoughts or what comes out of her mouth. She’s a Queens Girl and I wouldn’t expect anything less! That was the day that I said On January 1st 2012 THIS IS MY TURN!! THIS IS MY TIME TO CHANGE MY LIFE… for my grandmother and mainly for myself. That’s when I laced up and haven’t really looked back.
I’m naturally a happy person, who sometimes talks to much, but loves to love everyone. I’m the type that wears my heart on my sleeve and often gets walked over and on. But if you’ve ever run by me at an event or on the street when I am by myself a lot of times I am deep in thought. I’m always thinking of what I can improve, how I can help out others, what can I do next, how much I wish my family was here watching me run these events, and what cancer research program can I run for that I trust….This past week after finding out the news of another cancer strike in my family I found myself in the middle of my run collapsing on someones stoop and just breaking down. It just tares me apart that I wish I was smart enough to have stayed in school and became a Doctor of Medicine and studied and researched Cancer. That there is a cure out there somewhere that I think they are with holding from all of us. That people that I care about wouldn’t have to suffer anymore with this. And this is where I always Break down in the middle of my runs and at the finish.. I’m usually a tough broad and I have been known to compose myself really well. but I find with my running lately that my emotions are coming more through.
Wanna hear something I do to help me as well? I write the word cancer on the bottom of my run shoes so as I run it rubs off. Its like my way of helping stomp out cancer. It’s a way to say to my Nana and to Lynn that I am working my damndist to Stomp out cancer for them and for everyone else that is effected by this. I run mainly for those who can’t. I run for my family even if they don’t realize it! This is all for them. I pour my heart into it even when it’s a shitty day.
So with that, This next year is for you Lynn! Each Step, Each Stride, Each Tear, and every bit of Sweat! This is my strength for you! We will get through this.
Greatest thing I found this week is a program ran by Sean Austin called Run3rd . It has made me so happy that someone has the same way of thinking when it comes to running.